I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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