today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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