Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
