you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
