I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
