Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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