My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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