Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You are a genius and a whore.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
