I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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