Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
