I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
