i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
