I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
