im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
