Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
