You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
