A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
