Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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