It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
