I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
