I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
