what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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