I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
