My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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