so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
