Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
