I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
