I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
