my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
