I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
