just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
