I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
