I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
