went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
