Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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