Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
