RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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