Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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