Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
