I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
