why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
