Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
