smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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