I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
