Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Ladies don't puke and tell
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
