how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
