After last night, I could never be a politician.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
