It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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