When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
