fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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