I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
